What is Love?
But a four letter word that defined the better part of my existence.
Growing up, Love was that one word that held me hostage. That tied up my insides and made me pull and push till I was spent. Why won’t they love me? Why was I never enough? I wanted desperately to feel loved (not necessarily romantic love).
I’m not sure where it all began or how I got myself entangled in this “Love and self-loathing web” but as you can imagine, I grew up not knowing how to properly process my emotions nor how to show love and thinking that I was not enough.
These days, I look back and want to beat myself up for letting some of the best years of my life be immersed in darkness just because of a four-letter word.
My journey to self-love took years of back and forth discussions with myself. Years of unlearning and unpacking all the negative thoughts I held about myself.
There’s this freedom that comes from owning your flaws and loving yourself regardless. From realizing that there will only be one of you.
These days, My friends will be quick to tell you of how much I love myself and think I’m the shit. Of how I hype myself when I get an opportunity to and how they tire of me easily because of this. But what they don’t know is the length of time it took to get to this stage.
I’ve found that one of the best things you can do for yourself is love and accept yourself wholly.Make peace with your body/ your self and you’re right on the road to freedom. Click To Tweet
Fortunately, one thing I got out of that experience was that I learned how to be alone. Contradictory right? The silence was all I ever really had anyways, so I had to get comfortable with it.
Although, I’ll be honest. Like everything else, it’s still a work in progress. Most days, I’m comfortable with the silence but on some days, the echo comes bouncing back breaking me in half.
For the last four years, I was the recipient of a love that was in itself completely honest and sane. And oh how, I basked in it. In the sanity of it all, in the safety of it.
And maybe, just maybe. I got a little bit attached to the idea of always having someone that I started to forget how to be alone. So when the last four years came crashing down around my feet, I found myself in this mental block/depressed space and couldn’t take the “aloneness”.
I mourned the feeling of having someone more than I mourned the four years that would never become forever.
It’s a process that’s still on-going. This relearning to be alone and completely at peace with it. This looking for love less and less in people and more in myself and in His word.
It’s a battle that’s still ongoing but by God, One that I plan to fight till I win.
My past experience made me close in on myself. I didn’t know how to show love, how to speak love and I held myself back for fear of being hurt.
I’m Unpacking. Unlearning. Growing.
This year, one of the resolutions I made was to tell the people I love that I love them. To set the words free and set myself free in the process.
To be as extra as I want to. Like Bassey Ikpi says, to fuck fear and love anyways.
Although, I’ll forever be confused by how love is there one minute and gone the next. I’ll have to agree that It’s really such a beautiful thing. And I want to feel and receive it in all it’s entirety one day.
It’s the month of love and Valentine’s Day soon. I’ve never let Valentine’s day tension me and I won’t be starting now but here’s hoping that you remember to take care of yourself this Valentine’s Day. And every other day.
How To Be Alone.
I’m only too familiar with loneliness. It is another thing I know the taste of – that acrid taste that leaves an aftertaste even days after the feeling has passed. The nights spent feeling like the world is crashing down on you with no one noticing.
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’ll know that it isn’t as easy to get out of like people make it seem. So I’m not going to belittle it and make it seem easy. But if it helps, here’s how I’ve dealt with my feeling of “alone-ness/loneliness” and how you can too.
- Treat Yourself.
- Be around family.
- Talk to someone.
- Allow yourself morning every day.
I’m putting together a little meet up (Galentine) for a few of my online fam next weekend – preferably if you’re single but I’m not discriminating. If it’s something you’ll like to be a part of, please let me know here.
What are your thoughts on love and selflove? If you’ve ever had issues with self-love, how did you overcome it? How do you take care of yourself?
P.S – I’m not referring to just romantic love in this post. It encompasses friendships too
P.P.S – Let’s ignore my flowers. hahaha
P.P.P.S – Shout out to my neighbor – Doncha for dropping everything to help me direct/take these pictures even though it was impromptu.
READ THESE NEXT:
- A Vals Day Style Guide : Blogger Edition
- This Vals day themed shoot I had for this day style.
- Five Things I’ll Tell My Younger Self.
- A lil Skin Love – Super simple skincare routine to pamper your skin
- This post on places/things to do in Lagos might come in handy for the last minute things to do/galentine’s hangout.
- Re-reading this Andrea Gibson’s poem and still feeling all the feels I felt the first time I happened upon it